c l i m b i n g i v o r y
A little blog of Catholic wifehood, motherhood & dreams
Laying out the words for this ... a puzzle, in a way.
I've kept busy and stayed off Instagram but still neglected writing. Obviously it's going to take more intentionality ... removing one thing doesn't remove the need for plowing and sowing and working up a new habit ... I've changed plenty of poops and cleaned messes and played (and watched YouTube ... ) ... But now I'm driven back here because I'm pregnant and there is so much to ponder and to be. Two children. Two. One galloping around the house in a shirt and diaper and watermelon juice, and one deep inside of me in silence. One whose voice and scent and shape and personality flow through my blood I know them so well, and one who is a complete mystery. Two children. I love them both the same. I love them so differently. One I know - I see with my eyes, touch with my hands, nurse and nuzzle and toss and wipe down and make cackle for hours every day. My best little bud. And one I don't know. All I know abour him or her is that they are my child, will always be. What a staggering mystery. How life unfolds atoms at a time. A person from the first instant and yet so shrouded and unknown for so many months in quiet and waiting. How can I have two children and experience them so differently? Writing this helps me to process ... process this fresh and sharp return to such deep unknowing ... When I was pregnant with Adrian, I had all the time in the world to rest and ponder and meditatively think about the baby. Chasing and caring for a gregarious toddler leaves me much less of that time. I have dwelt less, perhaps, in the mystery of this pregnancy so far. Thought about the baby less. Worried less, maybe. There are moments throughout the day where I remember and realize I had forgotten. I love him or her the same. But the dynamic of my motherhood is different now ... and it's strange to me. We haven't heard the heartbeat yet. I'm getting rounds of bloodwork and supplementing against new-found issues I didn't have with Adrian and have been placed in that crucible of surrender, eternal waiting, breath holding that is pregnancy. And is that why I feel a tiny bit numb at times? I say I'm peaceful with God's will ... and I am ... but am I also subconsciously steeling myself against a potential loss I can't understand now that I know what it is to love your own flesh and blood from the depths of your bones, gut, heart, soul? Am I hiding part of myself, my vulnerable heart, behind that veil of unknowing, in case 'the worst' should happen and we lose this baby? If I am ... I am also trying not to. Because life is utterly beautiful, a Divine gift to be rejoiced in no matter of the shadows that may or may not come. My second child, fruit of my husband and I's spousal love united in Christ, has been given to me in the middle of my profound weakness, lukewarmness, sin. A tiny wildflower exploding through cracked weatherstained concrete. What more vibrant proof can I have that God loves me in spite of my countless imperfections? Another child ... when I am so unworthy ... I pray I can return them both to Him. I pray I will grow in virtuous motherhood. I pray so many things in the quiet while my children sleep in silence and miraculous purity and peace. Their beauty beats within my heart and I rest in Him in the breathless unknowing of it all.
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MaryWife to my best friend. Mama to a gregarious 3yo boy, a determined 18mo daughter, a darling baby boy due in late July, and a miscarried child we gave back to God. (photos are from Unsplash unless I note they're mine :)
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