c l i m b i n g i v o r y
A little blog of Catholic wifehood, motherhood & dreams
I've been wanting to write a daybook for weeks but haven't had energy or time or whatever else was needed.
Well, hello, time. I'm quite literally thousands of miles from where I thought I would be in this moment. I thought I would be taking the two of us on a grand adventure. I thought I would be hugging my sister for the first time in half a year. Laughing over old jokes with my siblings. Facetiming my husband at night. Snuggling my new nephew and healing a little more from my miscarriage. Surrounded by epic landscape. Full of oxygen and inspiration. Celebrating an early Thanksgiving with my family. Watching my son excitedly explore a new place in the warm clothes I bought him. Instead, I'm home. Vomity clothes in the washer, a few horrible diapers in the trash. My little bud sleeping on my lap, a pound or two lighter but slowly on the mend. We had to cancel my flight yesterday afternoon, with a week's worth of meals for my husband in our fridge, piles of clean laundry on our bed waiting for the suitcase, the backpack loaded up for our carry-on. It could hardly have been more last-minute. He was sick - we couldn't go. I could hardly have been more stunned. We were supposed to be gone for an entire week. Now there is nowhere to go. I've cried my tears, laughed my laughs, given it to the wisdom of God as best as my weakness will allow, nursed my food-averse toddler and watched a bazillion hours of Curious George. Sometimes that's all you can do. I'm blankly staring at the week ahead. Hello, time. Maybe I'll work on my book (it has been sorely neglected). Maybe something unexpected will happen. Maybe I'll look back one day and understand why we couldn't go. Maybe I'll never know this side of the grave. Hello, time. I'm peaceful without having a pat answer and while experiencing every emotion. A lot of my adulthood seems to be spent leaening how all three are possible at once. It's been a challenging few weeks of miscarriage grief but my gratitude for our little family is constantly renewed in ways I don't expect. I'm glad to not have to be gone from my hot better half for a whole week. I'm glad that my son is on the mend. I'm glad we're together and that it's chilly outside and that my sister is coming for Christmas. I'm grateful for God's will being done in my life, even (especially) when I don't understand it and when I would have foolishly chosen otherwise. I'm grateful for being a mother of two children, even though I had to lose one. I'm thankful for this strange, empty, beckoning week. Hello, time. The Lord giveth, the Lord taketh away; blessed be the Name of the Lord.
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MaryWife to my best friend. Mama to a gregarious 3yo boy, a determined 18mo daughter, a darling baby boy due in late July, and a miscarried child we gave back to God. (photos are from Unsplash unless I note they're mine :)
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